Lets talk about Suicide

Hey Guys and Gals!

I apologize for my long absense. There has been alot going on in my life. Im not going to divulge deep into my drama. Just know that Im still fighting and Tada! Back to bring you more of my random thought provoking blog posts.

Tonight… Tonight I’m going to talk about Suicide. I might trace off into a spout of depression and mental illnesses. Oh and Possible self realization, live as you read. So please bare with me while I talk about somethings. Alrighty, here we go.

Have you ever noticed how quiet everyone is about the topic of mental illness and most commonly suicide? No one wants to see it until it is right in their eyes. When Death is staring them in the face or has taken a loved one. In my life I have experienced 2 suicides, one of them was a friend, and friends who attempted, and I have started to plan my own 3 times. Its a weird thought that I can acutally know how many times I’ve planned my own death.

The sad thing is, I can honestly say, not a single person in my entire life knew that I was so ready to die. And there are millions people out there that are just like me. Did you know that there was a suicide text hotline. I sure didnt until last night? SO! IF ANYONE IS IN NEED OF SOMEONE TO TALK TO THE NUMBER TO TEXT IS 741741.  Just hang in there… More about that later.

So knowing that there are so many people out there who feel as I do. Broken, ashamed, tired, ect. ect. then how come this is something that is not talked about? Suicidal people are alot less likely to tell anyone about how they are feeling. No matter how close they are to Death’s doorstep. Most of them are simply afraid to say anything because they are ignored or when they do get someone to listen, people tend to over react. And sometimes they just need someone to talk to about the most useless things. Just to talk, have someone there, someone else’s voice instead of the ones in their heads. I am not a touchy feely person myself, so I’m not sure on the whole holding and cuddling thing and if it works. But its worth a shot yeah?

It pains me to know that its ignored. hen I was in highschool I tried to get a sucide preventon set up for my school, after a freshman had died. My councilors and Princlple told me that I couldnt. And all it was, was business cards with a yellow ribbon on it. They are from the Yellow Ribbon Project, its for sucide prevention (haha obviously) I read about it a book. So if anyone is interested there, google that shit. Its buisness card sized “help” card. How could the adults that we are supposed to trust, say no to something that could help someone, Because not a week later, a friend of mine killed herself. Nov. 11th. The other suicide was Nov. 7.

I want people to be come more aware of the signs that every single depressed person gives off. Seriously, Everyone has a sign. Yeah there are the usual general signs. But each person has their own. You just have to look hard enough,

 

I am always here to talk to. And believe it or not, sometimes it helps to talk to a stranger. Just shoot me a message.

I have to get off something off my chest…

I’m having a really hard time in life right now. It seems as though everyone in my life is falling apart. Separation, depression, lack of hope…. Anything and everything. And I’m lost… Absolutely lost.  I just want to save them. Help them get happier or survive for the next day. In high school everyone listened to my advice… and now it has driven so many people away. But being silent is killing my life. I dont want to try and tell people what they should do because they dont hear me. I dont know what to do. Besides childbirth, its the hardest thing I’ve delt with. I cant save people who dont want to be saved, but how can I just sit by and watch them drown?

Its like staring into a pits of sinking sand with all the important people in my life, looking up at me to help them but ignoring the stick in my hand. I’m crying oceans of tears…I’m lost…so very lost.

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. No one has to comment or anything, I just didnt have anyone else in the world to say it to. Thanks.

Life Gets Crazy

Life becomes so busy when you’re not looking. And it’s really hard to keep your head above water. I personally have a load of things that I wasnt ready for. A marriage is falling apart for a pair of my loved ones. And they are to bound in fear to make a move. To blind by their own turmoil and pettyness to open their eyes and see how it is effecting everyone the longer they drag it out. And no matter how hard I’ve tried to back out of the whole thing, telling them to leave me out of it and such. They still plead their cases and not one time was the favor returned. Months of listening to empty words.

And cancer has returned to another loved one. And I am really angry about it. What a silly emotion to feel. But the sad thing is, not one single person will ask me what’s wrong. Chances are no one will even really notice.

The human race has lost it’s compassion for one another. People just don’t care about people anymore. We as a race have become incredibly selfish. And we are bound for self destruction.

When did we lose faith? When did we lose hope? Where did our morals, values, and beliefs go? Why have we sacrificed our happiness?

The impending arrival

As we await your arrival home with eyes on the clock, we are an array of silent emotions. We are the worst family I have ever seen when it comes to talking about problems or how we feel. But you are the Queen. An emotional vampire that is constantly stirring up trouble then waits to feed.  And yet, when we use our voices, you spit venom in our faces. Twist our words from kind to malicious. Continue to ask everyone around you to change and give you the world on a silver plate. I will be the one who remains standing while all others bow. You have not blinded me.

I see you in a field of wild flowers. And you are standing in the middle in your favorite outfit, you know what one I am talking about. Every time you open your mouth to preach, a wild flower starts to wither. And while you don’t see it and talk louder and become more animated. More flowers start to wither. While I see a rose to represent me, towards the back, tendrils of darkness and decay reach out, sucking the life from the flowers, leaving withered plants in its wake…

The road to hell is paved with good intentions…

Scared Straight

Ive been watching Beyond Scared Straight. And in watching this i have realized that everyone has a story. Everyone has a voice. My story isnt glamorous. My story isnt horrible. But at the same time, parts of my life were hell. When i thought suicide was my only way out. I used to look at the faces of my children and ask why. Why did i put them through this.

All of my story is mine. And mine to tell. So let me ask you all this….what is your story? Where is your voice?

Checkmate

The final straw, the final strike. You made your move and played your hand. All your cards are on the table. I called your bluff and saw through your lies. I could have helped you, I could have guided you, walked you through all this pain and loneliness. Instead you cast me to the side. Threw me away like I was nothing. You once whispered sweet nothings in my ear, and soft kisses against my skin. You saw me, the real me, the me I am inside. In the blink of an eye I became nothing but another notch in your belt. You have cast a great shadow over my heart.

But don’t worry. It will come back around. I’ve played the game, I know how it works and I know how to move. We are but chess pieces on a great chess board and now its my move, my Queen is about to take your King . You should have been honest with me. You should have told me the truth. I would have given you the same courtesy that you gave me. But its ok; You’ll never hear from me again. At least…Not my voice. But I am imprinted everywhere you go, you’ll see me in the back of your mind, hear my voice in the silence. Its to late now. You will never escape me. You see, I like this game and I have never lost. The game was already over before you even began. I even let you play the first move. Love, you never even should have picked up the piece.

The game is over, at least for you. Checkmate. And there will be no rematch.

(Just so everyone knows this is not directed at anyone in particular. Just practicing my writing skills and trying to expand my vocabulary. Thanks 🙂 I really am a happy person. For the most part lol )

Lets Play The Waiting Game

Hurry up and wait, he says. Cant make my move yet… hurry up and wait. It will be devistating when it happens and maybe the Devil will set her free. Hurry up and wait pleads the man, hold your breath and dont say anything… just wait please. He says.

No. No more waiting game. Say something. Do something,.,. Anything!!!!!!! Let this nightmare be over. Let all the hurting and anger come to an end.

Plea from the daughter in law

Ive had enough. I cant take it anymore. Make a choice, make a decision. Stop waiting for each other to make a move. Stop dragging me and mine down too. Its rediulus and you flash it around the entire world. You did this you know. Distroyed anything that was beautiful about your relationship. How could you be so blind….

A random musical thought

If you want to know how a person is feeling, like really feeling. Ask them what music they are currently listening to. It will tell you everything you want to know. And it goes for most teens and adults. Even i do it, fall pray to the music gods. When im angry i lisyen to three days grace and breaking benjamine and when im sad i listen to really depressing music like mad world by gary jules and life is beautiful by 6 am. When im happy i listen to my pop music and when im writing i listn to my instrumental. See?? You can pin point my mood at anytime… and so i ask you this question…. What are you currently listening to??

Cheers 🙂

A mothers promise to her son

My son, we are about to traverse down a path that will change your life. It is going to be hard, its going to make you angry at alot of people, including me. But i promise you that its going to be ok. You are going to hear the truth, the cold hard facts. And the lies you were told for years are going to be exposed. And you will learn some things about your dad, your biological mom and I. Somethings that you probably dont want to know. And no matter what happens I love you. Forever. You are mine just like your sisters. I will never let go and we will never stop fighting for you. Just hold on tough, and we will finish on top of the world. Our whole family,

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